Are We Friends?

It is as if the friendship is falling apart. But I thought again, were we really friends?

I feel that I may have forgotten the meaning of friends. So I looked it up in and checked with google. There is the definition of people who has mutual affection. There is the funny one - list of contacts associated with social networking website. It all sounds superficial, sounds like the kind of friendship we have.

If let's say the definition can be knowing each other more than just skin deep, then maybe we are not really friends. How much do I know about you? I probably say a lot - your family members, their birthdays, your family problems, your daily issues - I know them. But do you know much about me? I highly doubt.

If let's say the definition is knowing each other despite the absence of words, then maybe we are not really friends. I remember that time I forgot something and shows neglect on my part for the household chore. I was not asked what happened to me and I was away for a week. But I got all the blame. Did you even bother to know that I was grieving a family loss? I remember not.

If let's say the definition can be understanding the changes the person has been going thru, then maybe we are not really friends. Would you happen to have known if ever I was sad or I was alone? I don't think so. I never felt that you knew or you understood. And all those times, I felt so alone, you were not there.

It is as if there was never the existence of friendship. I wonder now, how long have I been fooling myself to believe that we are friends?

Am I going to cut the friendship short? Maybe not since this is a seemingly funny situation, let's keep the contacts list open for friends in the social networking system that we live in.



footnote:
This post has been in my drafts for more than a year or 2. I can barely remember to whom I was writing this for. But somehow, I remember the feeling. And it was expressed so nicely that I remember all the feelings. Soooo, I am posting it just because I want to share the feeling. Weird.

Healing A Granddaughter's Heart

"How are you?" 
The question was thrown out to me 5 times today. But every time I try, I find it difficult to answer the same question.

So, how am I really doing? Truthfully, there is an internal struggle that has been bugging me over the past 24 hours - acceptance and grief. 

My grandfather is about 80+ years old. Despite his age and cancer, he has been very strong and patient. He lives with two of his sons and some grand children. One has a family of his own and the other is gay and never married. The gay son takes care of him everyday. But everyday, he would hear fights and sorrow. Despite these, his heart for living is still strong that it kept his daughters and sons together over the years.

When I was kid, he would demand me to eat with them every time I visit him and grandmother. Yes, it is a demand, I need to eat, chat and laugh with them. The need is a want and I love it. I remember him mixing milo, milk and sugar for me. I would eat it while he watches the television. There were countless times that he will tell me multiple (almost the same) stories about his childhood, his days in the war, and how the family has lived in the city. It is one of the fun and rare moments I have had as a child.

At 16, I started living by myself in the province. When it was time to go home to Manila, I would visit them as time permitted. Then he would ask me if I have eaten already. He would still demand I eat with him and grandmother. He knows and would always remember where I was studying and where I am currently working. He remembers, always.

The first time and so far, the only time I have introduced a boyfriend to the Garcia family, grandfather was there. He met him and stayed late to guard me against the boyfriend. He stayed late because he is a conservative father and grandfather. He wanted to make sure that the boyfriend goes home without doing anything naughty or bad to me. I lol'ed but my heart was moved when he told me why. As a grandchild, I love it about him.

He is sick and almost at the end of the road. When I paid him a visit last night, he couldn't speak anymore. He cannot move like before. Anyone can hear how difficult it is for him to breath. Only the apparatus keeps helping him breath. Several tubes are connected to his nose, mouth and limbs. They had to tie him because he always tries to remove them.

I offered the Lord a prayer. There was a struggle to find the words. I want to accept the fact that he is old and he cannot sustain living anymore. But I want to ask the Lord to prolong his life. Internal struggle of acceptance and grief breaks my heart. What and how am I going to pray?

How am I really doing? My heart is breaking and I cannot find any words to define it. A prayer of "Lord, hold my grandfather safe" is the only prayer I can say. It seems not enough but there is nothing else I can utter.

As I go to work and face the world, I need to wear the happy mask. But it would not suffice. I know I have to resolve something within- I need to heal. 

We heal ourselves thru healing our perspective. Our hearts can always break but there is a choice to make. A choice of whether you are going to be broken like your heart or you stand up and heal yourself. It is a choice to accept and to let go. 

I have a lot of great memories with my grandfather and all my late grandparents. It is heart breaking to lose them one by one. But it is an honor and a blessing to feel the indescribable sweet love only grandparents can give. Tears may fall as I try to let go. But it can be tears of a broken heart and tears of a joyous grand daughter.

Life gives us only one choice at the end of all our experiences - death. But before the verdict, we live and we make the choice how to live it. The grandparents chose to love and they made legends of love that will be kept by each grand children as long as they live.

Socializing at ang Pagkasira Nito

"Busy ka ba?"

Relative ang sagot sa tanong na yan. Maaring busy ang isang tao na maging abala sa mga bagay na nasa listahan ng priorities niya. Kung wala ka sa priorities niya, huwag mong asahan na sasagot s'ya ng hindi. Kung kasali ka sa mga bagay na pahahalagahan n'ya, hindi s'ya busy para sa'yo.

Maaring nais mo lamang may makausap. Ngunit anong uunahin mo? Ang kausapin ang kaibigan mula sa screen ng telepono mo? O maupo sa lamesa kasama nya? Bigyan sya ng buong atensyon upang kayo ay mag usap at hayaang maging alaala ang bawat segundong lumilipas.

Social media networks has been the easiest way to communicate with our closest friends and family. Pero ito rin ang naglalayo sa iyo sa kominukasyon na hinuhubog mo sa mga taong literal na malapit sa iyo. Akala natin okay na ang araw araw kayong magkausap sa chat or sa text. Pero nalilimutan natin ang tunay na elemnto ng pakikipag usap at pakikipagkapwa tao.

May mga oras na kelangan din nating ibaba ang teleponong yan para sa tunay na pagbuo ng relasyon. Guilty ako dito madalas. But I learn what I had to learn the hard way.

***

Unang Yugto

May tuwa sa aking puso habang minumulat ko ang aking mga mata. Excited ako habang iniinat ang aking mga kamay at paa. Pilit inabot ng aking mga kamay ang kawalan sa aking ulo habang dinidiin ng aking mga paa ang kabilang dulo ng aking kama. Masaya ako sa hindi malaman kadahilanan. Alam kong may isang paparating na magandang bagay sa araw na ito.

Madalas kong buksan ang aking cellphone paggising. Nais kong malaman kung mayroon mang naipadala sa akin ng magandang balita. Ngunit ngayong araw, ang unang hanap ko ay ang agahan nakahanda sa aming mesa. Nais kong namnamin ang bacon at itlog na inihanda ni Mama. Minsan lang ako gumising sa bahay na ito. Kaya susulitin ko ang agahang ito.

Pagkatapos ng agahan, maghahanda na ako para sa aking pagligo. Paghahandaan ko na ang araw na ito. Nais ko itong maging kasing ganda ng aking paggising. Nais ko itong maging kasing exciting ng aking pag iinat kaninang umaga. Ngunit bago ang lahat, oras na para tingnan ko ang aking cellphone.

Sa pagbukas ko ng aking cellphone, maraming notification. May mga mensahe ako sa kabikabilang chat rooms na nakainstall sa cp ko. Natural na ito sa umaga. Maari kong basahin mamaya ang karamihan. Ang mga personal chat sa akin ang mga una kong binasa.

Emily... Francisco... Jose... mga kaibigang nangangamusta. Normal na mga mensahe. May isang mensahe lang galing sa isang unknown number. Binuksan ko bilang personal na mensahe naman ito. Maraming nakakaalam ng numero ko pero ichecheck ko na rin.

"Good morning my sweet candy superlicious fantastically amazing strawberry. 

-Tony"

Natigilan ako. Tumigil ang aking mundo. Tumigil ang aking paghinga habang ang aking pagkurap ay bumagal sa mensaheng hindi ko akalain matatanggap kong muli. Nawala ang maingay na pagtakbo ng electric fan sa aking kwarto. Ang pagtahol ng mga aso at pagtilaok ng mga manok ay tila lumipad sa kawalan. Oo, kilala ko ang mensaheng ito. Nabasa ko na ito dati. Ang tanging naririnig ko na lamang ay ang mabilis na dagundong ng mga tibok ng aking puso.

Masaya ba ako? Maaring natatakot ako. Naiinis din siguro ang aking nararamdaman. Ang mga salitang ito ang unang nagpatindi ng aking damdamin para sa kanya. Ito rin ang mga salitang nagbigay ng pag asa sa akin upang mahumaling pa ako sa pangangarap ko sa kanya.

Tony - bumabalik ka ba? Unang tanong ko sa text message na hindi ko malaman kung pasisiyahin ba ako nito o hindi. 

SPARE TIme

"Na sa'yo na nga ang spare time ko."

Ang mga salitang naukit sa aking isipan at gumuguhit pa rin sa aking isipan. Nais ko itong kalimutan ngunit sadyang hinihimay ng bawat minuto ang bawat anggulo ng mga nasambit.

Simulan natin sa SPARE TIme. 

Una, sa salitang SPARE. Sa english dictionary, ang ibig sabihin ng spare ay - kept in reserve, as for possible use; being in excess of present need; or an extra tire for emergency use. 

Hindi ko lubos maisip bakit ako nasa reserve for possible use. Ayaw ko ng reserve lang ako. Yung tipong hahanapin lang ako kapag tapos na ang lahat. Tipong ayaw kong sasabihan ako na - dyan ka lang ha, marami pa akong ibang gagawin at tatapusin ko lang ito. O di kaya, excess lang ang oras na nasakin dahil kailangan lang ngayon. Darating ang panahon na hindi na ako kailangan at wala nang excess. Kailan mawawala ang sobrang oras? At ang pinakahuli, anong life threatening event or emergency mo ang kakailanganin ako. Ito ba 'yung panahong naubusan ka na ng oras maghanap ng babaeng pupuno sa pagiging lalake mo. O ang oras na kakailanganin mo na ng makakasama sa buhay, ngunit dahil nasa SPARE AKO at RESERVE AKO, hindi ka na mahihirapan sa life emergency mo - running out of time. Ako yung inimbak at kakailanganin sa tamang panahon.

Pangalawa, TIME. All caps para intense. Intense naman talaga ang time. 24 hours lang meron tayo sa loob ng pitong araw. Ang 8 hours dyan ay para sa pagtulog at kung gahaman ka sa pagtulog. 8 hours kasi feeling growing kid ka. Isa pang 8 hours dyan ay para sa trabaho. Kailangan mo yan para sa ikabubuhay ng mga nais mong gawin na hindi naman ilalagay sa spare time. Kailangan mong gawin at gusto mong gawin. Mahigit kumulang 4 hours ang kailangan mo para sa pagbyahe. Mabigat ang trapiko ngayon. Kaya ang natitira mong 4 hours ay maaari pang mabawasan. Sabihin natin na may 4 hours ka na nga lang dahil hindi ka natraffic. Sa 4 hours na yan, kailangan mong asikasuhin ang iyong sarili, gawin ang mga bagay na nasa bucket list mo. Limang beses itong mangyayari sa isang linggo. Pagdating sa weekend, may mga bagay ka pa rin na nasa priorities mo. So, may spare time kang mga 5 hours para ilaan sa akin. Yun ay kung magkaroon ng pagkakataon. 

Ang oras ay walang spare, walang excess. Eksakto ang bawat segundo, minuto, at oras.

Hindi ibibigay ng oras ang lahat ng kailangan mo. Ang lahat ng kailangan mo ang bibigyan mo ng oras. Kung may spare time ka sa 24 hours, anong halaga o pangangailangan mo dito? Kung may spare time ka, bakit hindi mo gawin eksakto ang oras mo sa mga bagay o tao na may halaga sa'yo. Dahil kung spare lang yan, maari mo naman itapon na lang yan. Ngunit eksakto nga ang oras, gamitin mo na lang sa priorities mo.

Hindi ko hinihiling o hihingilin na maging top priority mo o 'di kaya ay bigyan ako ng 2 o higit pang oras mo kada araw. Ang sana lang ay hindi ko maramdaman na nanglilimos ako sa SPARE TIme.

HAPLOS NG TALA

Sa iyong mga tala binitbit ang araw
Maningning makislap lahat ng umaga
Pinagsalong ganda at kumukutitap
Muling umiindak tuwang aligaga

Ngiting iyong bungad banayad ang haplos
Itong aking puso una'y nagalangan
Ngunit mahulog man, maging pira-piraso
Iyong napapawi kabang inabangan

Mainit na yapos ng iyong pagtangis
May kawing sa dibdib minsan ang ligaya
Pag-asang inasam sana nga'y makamit
Pangakong sa akin dala ng haraya

Muli magliwanag baliw at wasak
Naghahangad muli manatiling kislap
Sa pintong bubuksan, mainit na halik

Masidhing pag-akap ninakaw na kisap

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Mula sa CoronaDiaries

Ang gabi ay hindi magtatapos habang ang iyong ala-ala ay dumadaloy sa aking mga akda.

Originally created on Monday, November 19, 2012

Good night.

Hindi nagtatapos ang gabi sa isang good night.

Ang gabi lang ang panahon para alalahanin na hindi mo sigurado ang bukas. Sa gabi mo lang maplaplano ang maari mong siguraduhin bukas. Sa gabi mo lang maipapangako na bukas ay hindi magiging katulad ng kaninang maghapon.

Tatapusin ninyo ang gabi sa isang good night.

Sa gabing ito mauubos ang mga tawanan na pagsasaluhan ninyo. Ang gabing ito ang mangangarap na bukas naman ay mag iba. Sa gabing ito magiging bukas na lang para sa mga susunod na nais mo pang sabihin sa kanya.

Good night.