I stared at nothingness. I was ready to type anything that would pop into my mind. But the words to be arranged into lines to make up stanzas to build the poem for you are not matched for each other. I tried writing them in English for a difference. I tried going back to the vernacular because it feels like I can find the words. I held the thick dictionary you stole from a library and has kept for a long time. I thought it would be of great help. However, my attempts were failures. At the end of an hour or so and after typing some words and lines then I eventually deleted, I came up with nothing. No poem was made. So, I stopped exerting effort. I wouldn't want to make a trying-so-hard poem that would flow aimlessly.
All I wanted is to make a poem for you. A poem where I could show you how happy I am to be with you. A poem that will express how my trust was broken when you deliberately hid a truth from me even though I have lots of evidences. I don't blame you for me being a martyr or for me worrying so much. I blame love- Love that has caused me so much pain and suffering since my awareness of it had arisen. But that same love that I hate is the one that still keeps me alive and staying for undefined reasons, just love. I want to make a poem filled with love and it would be dedicated to you and only to you.
I once made a poem asking if I am going to poetically write about love for the nth time. Now, I ask myself why am I making another piece (of shit) about love and sooner, I fear that I shall delete everything I had typed.
Love has become meaningless before I reached the day I realized that I love you. I thought it was all about sex. Or everything was all about sex and love has been abused for an excuse. I believed that guys give love to get sex and girls give sex to get love. Then you told me that my case is different. My case was I was giving sex to get satisfied. Maybe, just maybe, I was like that before. I explored some guys manhood. Through my exploration, I found no love and had searched deep within the same manhood for the meaning of love. But of course, sex is included. I found nothing but satisfaction of lust and earthly desires. With you, I found the meaning of love with sex. I am not staying with you because of sex and love alone. I am here with you, enduring all weights of the world because I see us together in the far future still in love and would never do anything to ruin a vow.
I think a lot. I worry a lot. I apologize for that. I am just fearful that one day, when I go home from work, a news would shock and kill me. I am fearful of the day or chance that you will force destiny to break up with me.
Perhaps, just perhaps, the price of knowing the meaning of love is the fear of losing it. It is so beautiful that letting it lose is scary.I may also be fearful that I would stop loving again if our love would end. I am afraid that my heart will turn to another worthless stone and die as a worthless being who never learned how to take care of love. Or may also be fearful that I would again explore different kinds of manhood and dry myself from an empty sex. I worry because I fear some thoughts.
If I would go ahead and just type, I would have an endless talk of love and fear. I would just conclude that I love you and will always do.
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