minsan, ako nga ay umibig, nagsimulang manalinhaga at napasarap sa pagtula. ang sarap nga sa damdamin na malaya akong nakakasulat ng mga pananalinhaga ng pag-ibig at mga damdamin. mahigit isang taon din akong naging masaya, malungkot, at madamdamin dulot ng pananalihaga at pag-ibig. mas madalas na napagharian ako ng pagmamahal. lagi kong nakakalimutan ako ay namumuhi at nasasaktan. dahil lamang sa isang matamis na tinapay o di kaya sa isang magandang ngiti ng aking irog, lahat ng aking galit ay natatabunan ng pagmamahal at pagpapatawad. mahigit sa isang taon akong naging tanga sa pag-ibig na hindi ko man lamang sigurado kung minsan nga ba ay naging totoo ito.
matapos ang isang malaking dagok na gumising sa aking kahibanggan, pagod na akong manalinhaga. gustong gusto ko ang panunula. isang napagandang pangyayari ng buhay ko ang bawat panahon na makakatapos ako ng tulang inaalay para sa isang minamahal. ang sarap sa pakiramdam na ang bawat pananalinhaga na aking binibitawan ay may damdamin, may laman, at may pinatutunguhan. kasama ng bawat kataga ay damdaming minsang kinimkim at dagling pinasabog.
paanong nasasabi at naitutula ang pagmamahal kung hindi ito nararamdaman? kung ito man ay nararamdaman, bakit hindi makayang panindigan? ano nga ba ang paninidigan? paano mo paninidigan ang dapat mapanindigan? ano ang hindi sumasapat sa pag-ibig na laan para sa isang tao? mayroon bang oras na ako ay humingi ng higit sa aking naibibigay? oras, katotohanan, pagtitiwala-- mas may hihigit pa ba sa simpleng kahilingang ito?
pagod na akong manalinhaga. pagod na akong sa bawat tanong ko ay sasagutin lamang ako ng talinhaga. simple lamang ang hiniling ko ngunit hindi man lamang nakayang ibigay. o baka naman ang simpleng bagay na aking hiniling ay isang kumplikadong bagay at kahit na kailan man ay hindi makayanang magawa.
minsan nga akong umibig at umiibig pa ngunit ako ay pagod na. tao lamang akong napapagod din. tapos na akong manalinhaga at manula. ang sarap ng panunula ay kasing sakit ng pagtarak ng isang daang punyal sa aking puso. ang pag-ibig ay napapalitan ng galit sa bawat katanunggang hindi masagot, sa bawat kasinungalingan pinatotohanan.
walang bakas ng damdamin sa aking paningin. wala akong nilisan dahil ako ang nilisan. ang tanging tinapos ko ay ang pagyurak sa aking pusong nagmamahal. hindi ko ninais na ikaw ay mag-isa. kung muli mong babalikan ang mga pangyayari, ikaw ang humiling na lisanin kita, ikaw ang nais mapag-isa, ikaw ang nagsimula ng pagtatapos.
Showing posts with label daily dose of moving forward. Show all posts
Showing posts with label daily dose of moving forward. Show all posts
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Saturday, May 21, 2011
I walk dead with the living
This is just a thought I was having while I was walking on the streets of Global City.
Why does life has to be so difficult with me? I feel like I am being locked into some place I always knew, some place that I am familiar with-- his side. I hate myself for always remembering how he looks, how he smiles, how he stares at me, and how he loves me. I want to escape from his trap. I walked because I wanted to see people, to think more of what is going on with my life right now, and to see what I am missing while I am under his spell.
I looked away from the sight of the real estate agents I am seeing. It reminds me of how he is doing at work right now. I begin to hate them. I begin to stare at them with hatred that I never saw in my life. I don't want to hate things but I don't want these things to make me realize that he is far too different from what I have seen for the past year.
I looked away from that thought that I was walking with him before and even from the memory of us having good conversations while having our coffee. I wanted to escape from the memories that are trapping me, keeping me jailed with my love for him. This is because I am blinded when I can really see what is behind those hideous beautiful lying eyes.
I want to forget but how? How am I supposed to teach myself to be back to what I am used to be? I cannot cope with what is real right now. I know that I am a walking living dead amongst the crowd of roaring emotions.
Why does life has to be so difficult with me? I feel like I am being locked into some place I always knew, some place that I am familiar with-- his side. I hate myself for always remembering how he looks, how he smiles, how he stares at me, and how he loves me. I want to escape from his trap. I walked because I wanted to see people, to think more of what is going on with my life right now, and to see what I am missing while I am under his spell.
I looked away from the sight of the real estate agents I am seeing. It reminds me of how he is doing at work right now. I begin to hate them. I begin to stare at them with hatred that I never saw in my life. I don't want to hate things but I don't want these things to make me realize that he is far too different from what I have seen for the past year.
I looked away from that thought that I was walking with him before and even from the memory of us having good conversations while having our coffee. I wanted to escape from the memories that are trapping me, keeping me jailed with my love for him. This is because I am blinded when I can really see what is behind those hideous beautiful lying eyes.
I want to forget but how? How am I supposed to teach myself to be back to what I am used to be? I cannot cope with what is real right now. I know that I am a walking living dead amongst the crowd of roaring emotions.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Today, I move forward.
February 13, 2009
I miss you a lot.
In my desperate hours of missing you, I did a lot of stuff to forget the feeling. I wanted you to be the one, at this time, to ask for my time. I went to Bulacan with my family and had a wild fun morning. After eating with my parents our delicious lunch, I immediately went to Diliman to find the friend who will help me.
Today, I walked a lot. I walked thru the campus of UP Diliman. Then I ate isaw and all other laman loob weird food there. Afterwards, I went to the mall looking for something special. Finally, I stayed for a cup of coffee in Starbucks.
Last year on the same day of February, I walked a lot. I walked thru the campus of UP Los Banos. I prepared myself for a date that was not ours. Afterwards, I went to a grocery store looking for something special and you are the one who is looking for that. After that, I stayed in Dairymoore to grab a cup of coffee with you. You stole me from my date. We talked then finally, we walked thru the campus, our campus.
Everything was in the same routine as last year. It was as if I am reliving the past. At this time, it was a totally different campus of the same university that made us. Today, I looked for something special that is not for me. Last year, it was a bunch of lollipops that was for me.Today, I walked and talked a lot about all my heart aches with a dependable friend. Last year, I walked and talked a lot about us with you. You were, at that time, was so enthusiastic, sincere and sure of all the good things you wanted for us. I prepared to go out today hoping you will steal me again just like you did last year.
It is saddening that your presence last year is your absolute absence this year.
No one stole me this time. But you stole my soul and my heart when I entrusted them to you. I wish to have them returned for me to heal. Yet I guess, the thief that is you will never be back to make me whole again. I shall be, for the next long years, a broken and incomplete torqued senyorita.
Last year, I opened Valentines day with a smile, with you. I welcome the day of hearts awake and not minding what will happen for the next Valentines.
Now it is different, I will close my eyes at the eve of hearts day hoping that when I wake up, it is already February 15 or 16. You are not with me and I miss you a lot.
I deactivated my previously most active social networking site. I don't want to see how people would be so happy about V day or how excited they are for the over rated V day. For me, starting on the next 30 minutes of my life, Vday and the day before that is just another bitter day I have and I hope to skip for the next long bitter years.
Sigh. Sigh to my heart that has been disturbed for a long time slumber. Sigh for my mind that has been programmed not to give a fuss about this day but your were the karma that made me so excited about this day. Sigh to our plans that is supposedly for our very first year anniversary. Too bad, no more next year. I do not expect anymore that I shall be granted to have you by my side again.
I will have to move on now. I will have to look forward now to another path and journey- the road with your absence.
Sigh, I miss you a lot.
I miss you a lot.
In my desperate hours of missing you, I did a lot of stuff to forget the feeling. I wanted you to be the one, at this time, to ask for my time. I went to Bulacan with my family and had a wild fun morning. After eating with my parents our delicious lunch, I immediately went to Diliman to find the friend who will help me.
Today, I walked a lot. I walked thru the campus of UP Diliman. Then I ate isaw and all other laman loob weird food there. Afterwards, I went to the mall looking for something special. Finally, I stayed for a cup of coffee in Starbucks.
Last year on the same day of February, I walked a lot. I walked thru the campus of UP Los Banos. I prepared myself for a date that was not ours. Afterwards, I went to a grocery store looking for something special and you are the one who is looking for that. After that, I stayed in Dairymoore to grab a cup of coffee with you. You stole me from my date. We talked then finally, we walked thru the campus, our campus.
Everything was in the same routine as last year. It was as if I am reliving the past. At this time, it was a totally different campus of the same university that made us. Today, I looked for something special that is not for me. Last year, it was a bunch of lollipops that was for me.Today, I walked and talked a lot about all my heart aches with a dependable friend. Last year, I walked and talked a lot about us with you. You were, at that time, was so enthusiastic, sincere and sure of all the good things you wanted for us. I prepared to go out today hoping you will steal me again just like you did last year.
It is saddening that your presence last year is your absolute absence this year.
No one stole me this time. But you stole my soul and my heart when I entrusted them to you. I wish to have them returned for me to heal. Yet I guess, the thief that is you will never be back to make me whole again. I shall be, for the next long years, a broken and incomplete torqued senyorita.
Last year, I opened Valentines day with a smile, with you. I welcome the day of hearts awake and not minding what will happen for the next Valentines.
Now it is different, I will close my eyes at the eve of hearts day hoping that when I wake up, it is already February 15 or 16. You are not with me and I miss you a lot.
I deactivated my previously most active social networking site. I don't want to see how people would be so happy about V day or how excited they are for the over rated V day. For me, starting on the next 30 minutes of my life, Vday and the day before that is just another bitter day I have and I hope to skip for the next long bitter years.
Sigh. Sigh to my heart that has been disturbed for a long time slumber. Sigh for my mind that has been programmed not to give a fuss about this day but your were the karma that made me so excited about this day. Sigh to our plans that is supposedly for our very first year anniversary. Too bad, no more next year. I do not expect anymore that I shall be granted to have you by my side again.
I will have to move on now. I will have to look forward now to another path and journey- the road with your absence.
Sigh, I miss you a lot.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)